The life and times of Cujo Weatherby
by Chef Jim
Summary: This is the after story of Cujo, the novel and movie by Stephen King. After Cujo is finished with his movies, where will his career take him? Will he beat his rabies? This is the story for you! The Prime Minister said; "This is hilariously funny! A must read." "Book of the year"


This is the very interesting story of how Cujo, the fun loving puppy, got the dreaded disease of rabies.

Once upon a time, there was an evil snail with teeth, like on the movie Flushed Away (which by the way is pretty cool). It was living in the sewers, and it contracted rabies.

Meanwhile, Cujo was running from his home at the mechanics, to play with a young boy. On the way, he stopped to play with a friendly bat, who had a run in with a diseased slug a mere five minutes earlier. The bat actually bit him on the nose, which passed on the dreaded disease to the poor and helpless St Bernard.

Unfortunately Cujo's brain was swelled up inside his head, and no-one knew to take him to a vet. So, Cujo went crazy and started terrorising the town. After the movie had finished with a cliff-hanger where Cujo tried to kill a young family of two in a red car, Cujo calmly walked off to hair and makeup, to get ready for his performance at the baseball park. It was there that Cujo suffered the most traumatic experience of his life, his monumental tasering, all for no reason at all; really just for stealing a coke from the vending machine.

So Cujo was detained in a hair salon for three years, which is where he gained his accreditation as a qualified hairdresser. He decided to get a perm, as they were very in style that fortnight and he believed he looked rather fabulous indeed.

His friend, Paul Wong of Paul's Buttermilk, congratulated him on his stylish choice and offered a glass of his delicious, creamy, low fat, and now drug free buttermilk. Cujo decided to turn over a new leaf, and immediately went out to Best and Less, and bought a red poncho so that he would look damn fabulous when he went to his first Murderous Dogs Anonymous meeting.

Cujo thought best to order a pizza to go with this mediocre yet joyous occasion, and so they rang Dominos and ordered the humanitarian pizza, complete with body parts (but no toes, please). Unfortunately the pizza man was both legless and armless after a terrible encounter with some evil children who lived in a corn field, and therefore unable to drive the pizza car and deliver the pizza. Cujo and Paul died of starvation, due to the missing pizza.

His close friends, Alison and Caitlin, went into a depression and sued the pizza shop. That received 1002034879521235409874567823 2 chocolate lava cakes in compensation. Their depression magically lifted, and the evil snail with teeth from the sewers sang It's Raining Men at Cujo's funeral, which Harry Potter and Hermione Granger attended, along with their redheaded peasant.

While Alison and Caitlin were dividing up his belongings, which only consisted of his best poncho, one thousand pizza tables, a video diary documenting his life, and a young falcon. Caitlin and Alison ate the falcon and set about watching the video.

**_Cujo's Diary:  
Day 1_**

Cujo was doing his best to re-enact his favourite movie, Magic Mike. He wanted to perform in front of an audience, so he took it to the streets. Unfortunately he was arrested for indecent exposure and tasered, which led to him frothing at the mouth.  
It was yet another scarring experience for both Cujo and the onlookers.

**_Day 2_**

Cujo decided to have his bar mitzvah, but no one showed except the Rabbi as the invitations were never delivered, as Cujo had accidently eaten the mail man the previous day.

Cujo was devastated. Unfortunately, he accidentally wrote bat mitzvah, and when he invited all his bat friends, they were annoyed because he had neglected him during the course of his illness. They thought he blamed them for his disease, and created unnecessary prejudice against their species.

Cujo was so enraged by this fact, and angry at himself for eating the Post Master General, and not thinking to hand deliver them himself, he grabbed a pair of Holy Scissors, and cut off the Holy Rabbi's Holy Curls, on the side of his head. The Rabbi, not a violent man, simply bent down and switched off the tracking bracelet around his ankle (issued for aggravated assault of a minor) and splashed Cujo with some Holy water.

This brought Cujo out of his rage, and calmed him down immediately. Unfortunately, the damage was already done, and the Rabbi left in a huff to go and vent his anger on his wife.

And so, Cujo was alone on his Bar mitzvah, and for the rest of the day, drinking the Ribena in silence.

**_Day 3_**

Cujo awoke from his slumber early to make a fine English breakfast with his housekeeper (she migrated a few years ago, but was a bit chewy).

He had clients coming at 11, so he hurried to clean the house before their arrival. His first client was a policewoman, coming in for her Mohawk to be re-dyed pink. She ignored the sign on the door explaining his anxieties about Tasers and wore her belt into the house.

Cujo had an episode, and tackled her, crushing her. Her cup of Pepsi was spilled, which she had helped herself to from the fridge. The liquid leaked into her radio and sent a call for help. This is how Cujo got impounded for killing a policewoman.

After this, it was decided Cujo need to go to therapy.

**_Day 4_**

Cujo did the policewoman's hair for her funeral, and then returned to the Pound, extremely disheartened. After lunch, which was a boring steak with BBQ sauce, he casually broke out of the cage and sauntered over to his grandmother's house. Together they drove away in her Cadillac, stopping at McDonalds for a thickshake, made from their new organic menu, devised by Paul Wong.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment a deranged man ran onto the road and collided with the car. Cujo then fainted when he saw a dog who had arrived with the crowd to see what had happened.

**_Day 5_**

Cujo awoke to beeping, and faints again after seeing Channing Tatum in the bed next to him. It turns out he was trying to rescue his ex girlfriend, and ran into the car. Cujo's Grandmother drove him to the hospital after Cujo saw the most attractive dog in the world, Old Yeller.

After seeing his therapist, they ascertained that the only reason he liked Old Yeller instead of Channing Tatum was because of the Rabies (Old Yeller had Rabies too). Acting on the advice of his therapist, Jeannine, he joined Murderous Dogs Anonymous. On his first day, they played Ping Pong with a small child, and the group leader explained to them why it was wrong. Unfortunately Cujo missed out on much of the first session as he was too busy eating the said child.

Cujo was advised to come back next week by the distressed group leader.

**_Day 6_**

_Cujo is sitting on his bed, howling at the moon. All day. For like, 14 hours straight. Only once does he pause, but keeps going after a few seconds of quiet contemplation._

**_Day 7_**

Cujo is feeling a little unwell after gorging on the child, then howling for too long. So, he puts on his red poncho and goes out to the dentist.

The dentist will not treat him as, he told him repeatedly, he is not a doctor, he only looks at teeth. Cujo does not believe him, and drills his receptionists face with one of the dentist tools, then put an earring in her face. She was incredibly grateful, as she had been meaning to get an eyebrow piercing for a while, even though it made the dentist really mad.

Cujo started feeling better after this act of violence, and goes to Plaza to buy a Burrito patterned sweater and a pet falcon that he would store for the winter.

**_Day 8_**

**In Which The Day Cujo Finally Gets His Wish (granted from the Make A Wish Foundation), and Gets To Perform a Modern Interpretation of the Day Television went Live, Starring Graeme Goodie Gumdrops and Lady Gaga, (who is as fabulous as the legends describe)**

Today Cujo is scheduled to audition at the Rabid Animals Workshop for Performing Arts, for play based on his short life so far. Unfortunately, he lost the part to a small beagle, as the producer said he wasn't ferocious enough.

Disheartened, but still wishing for a place to splurge some of his creative juices, Cujo also signs up for any other part available in the theatre. Less than 3 seconds later, Cujo gets a call on his pager, saying they want him for the part.

He plays the part of a lovely young lady, who enjoys knitting, until one day she drops a stitch, and must fix it. It also stars Lady Gaga.

**_Day 8_**

Cujo travelled across town to a Renaissance Fair. Once it came to lunchtime, Cujo gets himself a pie, and gets himself a pass-out. Cujo thought he saw Barak Obama, so he ran after him, but it just turned out to be Morgan Freeman so he left him alone. On the way back to where his skateboard was stashed in a bush, Cujo fell over and skinned his nose.

Incredibility disheartened with his day, Cujo decided to go home and sit in his wardrobe to cry.  
And that was where he discovered a wonderful land called Narnia, where he ate the beaver family because quite frankly, they were annoying and tasted like chicken.

**_Day 8_**

Cujo meets a new counsellor at his Murderous Dogs Anonymous (MDA) meetings, named Maddison. Maddison was a simple person who happened to have a ghost in a wheel chair living out the front of her house.

After Cujo was deemed a new, better person at his MDA meetings, Maddison proceeded to teach Cujo his ABC's, but not his DEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWYXZ's.

She was a Buddhist in her spare time and scolded Cujo in a typical Buddha way (hitting him over the head with a live salmon) when he stepped on an ant on the sidewalk, as Buddhists do not believe in harming living creatures.

She was fast becoming Cujo's most treasured companion, but tragedy struck when Cujo devoured her after she tried to make him eat his sprouts at dinner.

**_Day 9_**

Whilst working at an iced pineapple stand outside Madison Square Garden, Cujo is approached by a swishy-haired youth who is suffering from food poisoning from the said pineapple that he ate the previous day.

After much argument, the anonymous swishy-haired boy collapsed from exhaustion from the poisoning, and Cujo was left baffled that his iced pineapple could cause such things. After much consideration, he decided to steal and put on the boy's clothes, as his pay from the pineapple stand was incredibly small and he liked the colour of the clothes (white and purple).

But, alas, after changing into the said clothes, Cujo found himself pulled inside the building and pushed onto a stage, where young girls and middle age women were clapping and seemed to be shouting, "WHEN I SAY JUSTIN, YOU SAY BIEBER!"

Cujo skipped around the stage, ecstatic that he was finally getting the attention he deserved, even if they had mistaken "Cujo Weatherbee" for "Justin Bieber". Since the names sounded so similar, Cujo decided to forgive the crowd for their mistake and only ate half of them instead of all.

He made a hasty exit when security guards ran at him with tazors, disheartened that he was now again an unknown anonymous who sold iced pineapple.

**_Day 10_**

Although Cujo had made and lost a lot of friends in the past (mainly due to his sudden cravings), he was sure that his friendship with a russet wolf called Jacob would be everlasting. That was, until, he decided to find Jacob to show him the BFF bracelets he had made them when he trotted in on him and some girl with blonde hair called Rachel.

Jealous that this girl was taking his everlasting friend away, he mauled her and the result was a scarred face and now dog-like tendencies due to the rabies that Cujo passed on. Jacob, being none too impressed about the mauling of the love of his life of that week, ended the friendship and moved onto a pale stick-figure called Bella Swan.

Cujo stuck around to try and win back Jacob's affection by baking rock cakes and making insect and swan jokes. Cujo decided to give up when Jacob fell in love with Bella's newborn child, deciding he couldn't possibly be connected to Jacob now he had paedophilia tendencies towards babies.

**_Day 11_**

Cujo was having dinner with his closest friends who he had not managed to devour yet – Paul Wong. He had invited Caitlin and Alison, but after much consideration, they had declined, saying that they were both busy saving their drowning goldfish.

Cujo did not blame them at all, as the goldfish death toll was on the rise (presumably from him eating them) and he wouldn't want to be the reason for anymore causalities amongst the fish population.

Paul didn't own any goldfish at all, saying that they didn't produce buttermilk, so what was the point in them at all? Cujo argued they produced gold and sunshine and puppies, but Paul asked who in their right mind would prefer gold and sunshine and puppies over buttermilk?

Cujo politely agreed, and the rest of the evening was spent in quiet contemplation whilst Paul ate his pasta and Cujo ate the waitress who had delivered the pasta.

**_Day 11_**

Cujo hopped in his clown car and started driving to his MDA meetings, where he had been sent back to after eating that Buddhist counsellor who Cujo couldn't remember the name of, though he was sure her name had been Phillip. Upon arriving, he got a text from his close friend, Caitlin, telling him he missed out on a hilarious moment.

Angry that he always misses moments, Cujo ate his steering wheel and went out to create his own moment that would make Caitlin jealous. Pulling on his parka and flipping his perm, he announced proudly to the street that: bitch, he _was_ fabulous, and went in the general direction of a wedding party taking pictures. He quickly devoured the best man and stole the suit, posing as Barney Stinson. The bride, who was a big fan of Mr Stinson, launched herself at Cujo. Cujo, misjudging the bride's actions, ate her.

He was scared off by the mob with flaming pitchforks and went home to go cry in Narnia and to eat that annoying goat-thing, Mr Tumas. Finding Narnia 'locked', Cujo went into a rage and ordered a thousand pizzas, and when the Pizza Man arrived they had a nice conversation before the Pizza Man left to go deliver pizzas to a bundle of lunatic children in a cornfield. Cujo ate all he pizzas and then made a tower with the thousand pizza tables that rivalled the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

**_*back to distressed friends, Caitlin & Alison*_**

Caitlin began sobbing into the poncho and Alison curled into a fetal position, although they both agreed that Cujo had had a wonderful and fulfilling life that any savage dog would be proud of. They decided to publish the last few moments of his life on a well-deserved audience on !

_The End._

(Your welcome)

**_Disclaimer: this story is based on a real life tragedy that occurred less than six minutes after the royal wedding. Cujos best friends, Caitlin and Alison were pleased to announce that Cujo did in fact enjoy the Duchess of Cambridge's dress before he so tragically died of starvation.**_

_Please donate to world hunger, to avoid future calamities such as this._


End file.
